365 Random Days of Team Zybko

Day # 139

Soccer Senior Night

May 17th, 2012

This random day of Team Zybko and story of the heart is a long time coming. Only one sentence complete it appears I haven't worked on it at all. Truth is I have already spent hours on this post. Years really. Real life feelings, deep emotions, avoidance tactics and sometimes tears have caused me on several occasions to "X" out of this page and abort the mission.

Maybe I could make it funny.

Maybe silly baby pictures would help.

 Maybe I could post on a Wordless Wednesday.

Oh, yea that might work. Keeping my beat up bruised  momma heart out of the trenches. Just a little while longer.

It would buy me a few weeks til the realness of this season sets in.

    

Nah, I know deep down none of that will work.

Any combinations of excuses, anyway I sugar coat it.

At the end of the day it will always mathematically equal the same.

Soon, very soon. Whether I'm ready or not.

Two of my baby birds will be leaving the nest.

Yes, already. Time really does fly, just like they will.

Those of you reading who have been there before know it gets easier. I do too. Maybe that makes it even harder. I know the process, the letting go and of course the indescribable pain that inevitably comes with it.

 Like standing on the very last inch of a super tall high dive. Starring down at the water and knowing what's to come. Knowing you will in fact now have to jump, dive or fall in if you ever wanna feel your pruny feet back on the pool deck. Fearing a belly flop situation in front of all your friends and the entire pool, the nerves hit hard. Too late, there is no turning back. You are simply not aloud to chicken out.

 Being a chicken in Motherhood isn't an option either. 

At seven years old I learned this the hard way, not the motherhood part but the nervously jumping in part. Over and over again my chubby legs climbed the 15 or so freshly bleached clean stairs up the ladder to the top. Confidently I strolled to the end of the board like I had done just a mere 2 minutes earlier. Uh oh, I don't remember is being so high. I would bite my tongue with my big cheesy, too big for my mouth growing buck teeth. There I stood like a miniature statue, as time somehow ceased to stop ticking. The summer lifeguard would blow his whistle. I heard it clearly but chose not to look over to where the warning sound came from. Not in a rude way but in a I had to really concentrate in fear of losing my balance kinda way. Instead I kept my eyes focused downward as my tomboy tanned toes clung to the edge of the scratchy board. I stood frozen. How did I get myself into this pickle again? The greased up teenage who sat comfortably with one leg slung over the side of his stand blew his whistle again. Reminding me nicely I was holding up the line.

OK, I can totally do this.

I can totally do this.

I can totally do this.

Or can I? Yikes, I'm not sure anymore. The deep end drain seemed a long way away, pretty far down. It didn't matter what my not fully developed brain thought, I wasn't allowed to turn around and climb back down the stairs. House rules.

I had to jump and I did.

I lived to tell about it. Every Summer, same scenario, same jacked up butterfly feeling until....eventually... I got really good at it. Wishing now my mom had an IPhone back in 1978 then I could prove it, showing off just a bit how I really did get good. She always biased-ly gave her youngest swimmer a perfect TEN. I had come a long way as I eventually learned to even flip off that big scary high dive. Pointed toes and all. Well that was 33 years ago and of course a cake walk compared to the jumping in I talk about now. 

 My toes aren't as tan and my hair certainly not swim team blond anymore. The same chubby legs are weak and my stomach feels exactly the same, I remember. Tied up in knots, this time in a painful momma kinda way. Second time around isn't easier at all. If you have ever heard this from a veteran parent, they have simply lied straight to your face. It may be different but not easier.

 Do I really have boys men in the house legally of age to buy cigs and warrant daily shaves? No way. Can't be. Not listening.

Lah Lah Lah Lah Lah Lah.

Graduation only a couple weeks away?

Nope...... still can't hear you.

 I need more time.

I need more fun. 

I need more practice.

I need more memories.

I need a couple more re-do's.

It went too fast.

Allowing them to grow up and leave.

I'm no good at this.

At all.

Two years ago the oldest baby bird left. Our first time as a family doing this. All growed up and ready to go, she was moving on. According to societies paper plans it was her time. Days passed, some slower than others. Some events harder than others, like an empty chair at the dinner table or a missed sibling soccer game. Things at home are never the same again no matter how hard you try and fit them back into the same mold.

A puzzle missing a piece is just that.

A piece is missing.  

The rest of the family adjusts accordingly, but a momma never forgets. Simply impossible for her to forget what it is like. The super warm love feeling of having all your chicks under one roof. 

A complete puzzle equals a complete heart. 

I suppose GOD made us mommas that way on purpose. 

We carry our kids worries and triumphs with us wherever we go. They are on our brain and in the front row of our hearts 25 hours out of every day.

25/7/365  

Three decades later and two feet taller I smile as I look happily at these forever captured digital images. No where in sight is there a cute, whistle swinging lifeguard encouraging me to jump. Now as I prepare for the next season it is GOD telling me it's time.

 It's time to jump.

HE tells me not to worry.

HE tells me this too shall pass.

HE tells me I can do it.

 HE is there for me.

Maybe in thirty more years I can brag about how good I've become at this part of Motherhood. I surely doubt it. As of now, I am as far away from a perfect TEN as one can get. I'm trying not to freak out too badly. I wake up each day with new hope and a new box of tissues to get me through. I also live knowing and believing that GOD will always keep my head above the scum line. No matter what.