Just a Woman with a Sharpie

365 Random Days of Team Zybko

Day #220

September 24th, 2012

The Somewhat Weird White Person Freak Festival

Last week we found ourselves in Minneapolis for a fun weekend trip to the Mall of America. Only a 3 and a half hour drive, no biggie but a great chance to make all the dreams of our youngest child come true. One make-up store and American Doll
walk through at a time.

Mommy, why can't I get my doll's hair done?
Cause honey, I don't even spend that much on
my haircut and wash.

As we cruised around in disbelief to what a racket this place was I wondered about the whole hair stylist gig. I flip flopped the entire time. Have you hit rock bottom doing hair at the American Doll Store OR is this in fact the perfect gig working on a client who can't talk back. No time to resolve the issue as I watched Baby Daddy's eyes widen in disbelief, I knew it was time to go. He held up and pointed to a cutesy outfit no bigger than a bandanna which had a tag indicating the price was slightly less than a used car payment.
He whispers....
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

We wake up Sunday morning with an open day to explore and discover the big city with no plans of going back to the mall. One day was enough. BD had heard about a pretty popular Renaissance Festival in the area that held high potential for marking off
NEW and DIFFERENT
off the list known to us as
THE MINNESOTA ZONE.

While looking up directions on BD's Droid for him to navigate to the event, I ignore the slough of less than A plus reviews.

Grimy

White trash

Whimsical

Ridiculous

What? LA LA LA can't hear you. We already scored some coupons at a local subway and the thought of the return car trip didn't sound all that enticing, just yet. Plus, I couldn't pass up the opportunity of getting a picture of me devouring a giant turkey leg in front of the Dragon Liar. Geesh. A girls gotta dream.

I mean the kids may actually learn something.

Turns out it may have been a good idea for me to do a little learning first. I have no experience with these types of festivals or any recollection of studying anything about this era in school. I must have been absent all that month. I vaguely remember the big Dungeons and Dragons game hype back in the 80's, that's about it. We were all going in blind here.

My spidy senses were tingling as we took the long hike up the dusty crowded parking lot. I ignore the signs in all directions to turn and flee as fast as I could with 3 kids on my back. The next several subjects were caught on my Nikon before paying an entering a land and experience I will never be able to erase from my mind.

Once through the gates we all stand frozen in a big goofy Zybko huddle. Completely overwhelmed by the smells, sounds and sights of this huge replica of a mid evil times village. La La clings to my leg as passer by-ers loudly speak some sort of slurred gibberish language. For the first time in my life I think to myself.

Oh lawd, I hope they are drunk to explain that weird hot mess. Despite the fact it was still technically morning, alcohol in my mind was definitely a better explanation.

Several minutes tick by with out any of us moving a muscle. Our heads turn slowing at what appears to be a doggy pirate ship stroller, adorned with tiny white sails and a real live wiener dog caged squarely in the middle. Dressed in what I'm guessing was a custom made miniature Jack Sparrow outfit. Not getting that at Pet Smart any time soon, membership card or not.

We move on past rows and rows of shops. Over priced mugs, cheap looking touristy t-shirts, large feathers for sale and even a fairy dust demo. I was taking it all in, trying to get it but honestly it just wasn't sinking in. I really have nothing against this type of magical make believe world, I really don't. The problem was me. I was expecting something different, more useful. Perhaps the chance to gain enough knowledge concerning these 200 years in history to count as part of home school lesson. Bummer. Unless the lesson was to remember to wear a bra if you dress up as a fairy over the age of, let's say 60 then no there was no lesson. C'mon ladies, common courtesy would be nice, even amongst the peasant people.

The kids didn't seem to mind the freaks so we kept trudging along. Keeping in order and pace of the crowd, catching glimpses of standing room only shows and trying to avoid muddle puddles of spilled beer. I managed for a tiny while to focus and take pictures of things not people. Not the costume happy people who more than likely just finished smoking an illegal substance in the princess port a potty. This may sound a bit blunt but it's the only way I can explain why anyone might have an appetite to eat any of the food offered in the King Arthur food court.

I no longer could resist and quickly broke my parole on sniping pictures of the innocent, not harming anyone Renaissance groupies.

I had good reason, I swear.

#1 I liked this guys get-up

and

#2 he was one of the 3 African Americans I saw

and

#3 seemingly there with out a gun to his head.

This fairy was

#1 cute

#2 wore the proper undergarments

and

#3 seemed to have taken a shower and shaved in this era.

The day was not a total loss. I did manage to figure out and confirm a few things during the 3 hours of sunshine and family time.

Acid is bad for you, very very bad for you.

These people ate a lot of pickles back in the day. Enjoying them only after being sold by shirtless pickle vendors who must first launch them a few hundred feet up in the air.

Some things you need to see for yourself.

Words and visual aids won't help you here.

I could use one of these belts for all my soccer mom duties.

Are those shin guards on his forearms? Oh yea, no problem I have an extra pair of those lying around the house.

She was making bank roll playing in the mud.

I totally think this would work along side Stratton Drive on a busy golf Saturday. Not starving, just shoeless.

It could jump start my new Nike fund nicely.

I better keep a close eye on Drexel and all sharp utensils in the house. After seeing this display game, even I wanted to give it a home made go at it.