I lie to my inner self, in a positive encouraging kinda way,
OK sister, you got this thing.
Normally I would divvy up bathroom spots for teeth brushing and give simple orders to jump directly in bed without passing go. Close your eyes and lights out, period. But..... the clean piles of wash haven't been put away, so once again it will go onto the ground for at least one more night.
The 8 year old is cool with that as she gets comfortable on the couch and waits patiently for me to really tuck her in. Not sure where to start so I decide to sit on the edge of the old cushion and rub her head until her eyes close in much needed sleep. I remain there in a comfortable state, somewhere between content and a lack of will to begin phase 5 of motherhood. Where is my mental cheer leader now? Apparently outside on a Walmart smoke break. No worries, I'll wait right here til she comes back.
The 11 year old grabs a sharpened pencil and whips out a folder from his overstuffed book bag. I give him a slightly crazy look as if to ask him with out words, I thought you said you did all your homework?!
Mom, don't freak out. I forgot I had one more work sheet to do.
I don't freak out, I even surprise myself and remain totally calm.
I think bigger than my tiny, messy living room, bigger than my first world problems, bigger than comparing myself to others, bigger than feeling guilty about not having it all together. I talk to God about the day while taking really nice deep breaths in and out.
Breathe....hee hee hee ho ho
HE will have the answers.
HE will show me the way.
HE will tell me what to focus on.
HE knows what the bigger picture is while raising kids.
HE reminds me gently that guilt is the champion of joy sucking.
HE pats me on the back.
HE whispers to me, telling me I am better than that.
HE explains to me with HIS love there is no room for guilt.
Guilt takes a ton of brain power away from the good stuff.
It clouds your mind with negative thoughts.
Guilt sprays an invisible layer of stink over your accomplishments.
It has a way of weighing you down like wearing a lead blanket.
Hey Guilt, you suck, go away.
I post the above picture to keep it real. Kinda like the mom who reveals stretch marks and all while wearing a bikini at the beach.
I certainly can't be alone. I text a bestie. She sends me a picture of her sink. Our kitchens were obviously separated at birth, they look like twins.
I like the expression
Focus on the doughnut not the hole.
While it usually refers to being content and happy with what you have instead of what you don't have, I tweak it a bit here to make a point.
I will NOT have guilt about what I haven't done 100% but rather what I have done 100%. This week I have done my best. In the hole this season, my best is a less than clean house, bedtime with out certain teeth brushed, forgotten snacks, homework completed at 10:45 and a van than might need a few gallons of gas before the morning car line tomorrow.
The flip side to that, on the actual doughnut part, the part that lights up outside a Krispy Kreme window and makes 99.9% of the American population smile is the worth while stuff.
My best is there too and it looks better than what's in the abyss of this metaphorical pastry.
I didn't invent this motherhood gig, flying solo, teenage trials, soccer mom problems or working outside the home. I do know however, I can only continue to do my best. Trying harder, learning as I go til my best becomes better with experience and wisdom.
I scan and upload my camera roll to remind myself that my best doesn't look too shabby. Time, love and energy spent on the people in my life.
HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW PEOPLE
So excuse me Mr. Guilt, you are being kicked out of the driver's seat. Go get a life somewhere else, move over and take a back seat in my minivan, where the golf balls roll side to side with every turn and smelly shin guards like to hide out. You will NOT be missed.
I'm not a total jerk, so if you get hungry I'm pretty certain there are a few leftover granola bars in the cup holder from Saturday's game......of the fall season.