How to Survive Hotel Living with Children

15 Rule Guide

Day 114

August 24th, 2013

Team Zybko

1)   Let the kids do stuff you wouldn’t usually let them do on a regular 1 or 2 night stay. Jump on the beds, ride on the luggage cart, push all the buttons in the elevator, channel surf til they see stars. It won’t ruin their chances of attending Yale or Harvard, especially if they didn’t wanna go there anyway.

2)   Try your best to channel your inner vagabond hippie chic.  A good attitude goes a long way. This too shall pass and remember, it could be way worse. At least you have sports bras and roof over your head.

3)   Resist the urge to drive through one of the many fast food establishments conveniently located 500 yards away from the lobby doors.

4)   Pack extra underwear for the little ones. Even though you aren’t actually on vacation, your insides don’t know this. Once you enter the hotel your bowels go into vacation poop mode. Don’t ask me how it works let me just sing you a song…….skid mark a rinky dinky doo doo, skid mark a rinky doo……you make the next verse up.

5)   Don’t feel bad about shoving a few apples, a banana, maybe a yogurt cup or bagel from the free breakfast bar into your pajama pants and shelf bra. Yes, I know the rules clearly state NO FOOD OUTSIDE BREAKFAST AREA no worries I’m sure they are referring to the huge waffles, tasteless eggs and greasy sausage links.

6)   Take the stairs when possible. Every little bit of exercise and calorie burning add up in this season. Also recommended because I know you ignored rule #3 several times this week. Don’t worry I won’t judge you, I like McFlurries at midnight too.

7)   Invest in some name brand, heavy duty black trash bags. Wash seems to pile up faster than at home. Laundry bags provided by the hotel are NOT made for a family of 5, nor is it fun to watch your dirty underwear fall out of a torn bag as you walk down the hall.

8)   DO NOT get into your feel good pants, shut the curtains, jump into bed and hunker down for a Good Luck Charlie marathon in the middle of the afternoon. No good can come of this unless you have ignored #3 again and you also have perfectly salted fries and an ice cold Diet Coke next to the remote.

9)   Use your towels more than once. Do what you can to minimize the work load of others of you can. Just a personal pet peeve.

10) Upon checking out you have permission to be completely OCD about the thought of leaving something behind. Check under the beds, in the sheets, tops of closets and all electrical outlets at least 3 times. Unfortunately we have left countless chargers, kid toys and special blankies all to make for very sad stories for generations to come.

11) Bring your own coffee. If you like your men java strong, bold and black than you will agree, hotel coffee tastes like brown water. Don’t risk the safety of the people around you, always have Starbucks instant packets in your toiletry bag.

12)  Check the alarm clock beside your bed (yes, some people don’t use their phone for everything) Kids think it's fun to mess around with antiques such as these. Make sure it is NOT set for 5am. Not cool man, not cool.

13)   Stay organized. Stash a bag with paper plates, cups, forks and canned food to make dinner in a pinch if necessary. Also, have a bag with quarters and laundry detergent on the ready. Quarters may also be used for vending machine snacks in the event you DO adhere to rule #3 and then totally regret it later after Baby Daddy has gone to sleep.

14)  Keep your socks on at all times until night night and you are safetly under the covers in the bed. Don’t ask questions, just trust me.

15)  Last but not least DO NOT forget or get side tracked from your daily time in the Word and prayer. It’s hard on a whacky schedule but none of these rules of survival will matter if the posture of your heart ain’t right. Go out onto the hall and find a part of the wall to prop you up. No one else is up at 5:08am anyway. Stupid alarm clock.