Soccer Line Antics
The 9 Different Parents of Youth Soccer 

Day 130

September 8, 2013

Team Zybko

This post is written with the soccer mom experience of almost a decade and a half, 6 children, 30 plus seasons and probably 100 different teams. You can do the math on how many games I have shimmy shimmy co co puffed my big ole rear to over the years or you can trust me. Good call going with my answer, it took a bunch calculating but the answer is a zillion games. Yes that is the number following the equation sign on that problem. I have spent lots of quality time on a soccer field sideline. For the most part, happily spent, except that one time when Drexel was 2 and flung open the door to the Johnny on the Spot Porty potty while I was still talent fully hovering over the seat yelling 

don’t eat that, put that down, no Drexel, bad dog, do not eat that...no...no…no…please don’t lick your hand.

Ha, at least I have the ability to laugh now. My point is, while you read the post below, I am assuming you will read it or maybe you have already decided to abort, anyhow if you haven’t yet swiped back to your Face Book newsfeed just remember, the stereotypes listed below are just that. Stereotypes. Years in the making. Having been tastefully marinated in my mom observation bag for a long time. Funny thoughts about the nutty parents I have spent a major part of my 30’s alongside, shoulder to shoulder, united for the same cause. Sweating, cheering and sometimes crying on the outside perimeter of the same patch of mowed, lined, green and sometimes brown rectangular field. 

Doing the best we can for our chil-run.

Feel free to change up a few gender references, switch dude to chic, guy to gal, mom to dad.... if the shoe fits, no t a problem. I have to admit to wearing a bunch of these soccer shoes, so to speak. I just ain’t fessing up to specifics.

Timer Tom-

Every team needs one and thankfully every team has one. Timer Tom is a solid guy you can count on. Probably the guy you had no interest in during High School due to his Dudley Do-Right kinda attitude. Timer Tom simultaneously, with out fail pushes the top right button on his water proof Timex as the ref blows the start whistle. Timer Tom tends to get crazy slammed with questions when the score is tight, when we need just one more goal to win the championship or when a shutout will win us enough points to advance to the tourney finals.  

How many minutes left?

Is that with injury time added?

Are doing 30 or 35 minute halves?

Timer Tom is usually married to the Team Manager as her job requires tons of detail and organization. I love dot your I and cross your T people, I am after all married to an engineer. They do make a darn cute couple these two and I always envy how clean the floor of their minivan is. Amazing.  

The Kitchen Sink Lady-

This mom has everything. Everything and anything anyone on the sidelines needs and perhaps the other moms have forgotten at home or too lazy to pack themselves. Extra bikes, sunscreen, markers with the lids, baby wipes, sparkly nail polish and even Capri Suns (not the clearance flavors either) at just the right temperature. The younger siblings of the players happily gravitate over toward her area, she doesn’t mind at all. Need a blue rain poncho in size medium that snaps in the back or a soccer ball pump needle? No problem, go ask the Kitchen Sink Mom. Instinctively you wanna dislike Kitchen Sink mom, she seems to have it all together but she doesn’t. Kitchen Sink Mom rarely knows what time or field the team is playing on, she hasn’t checked her email in days, she is too busy packing the kitchen sink.

The Shouter-

The Shouter more than likely has never suited up for a real soccer game in his life. Gym class in 1984 does not count. FYI buddy, ice hockey rules are different than soccer, no checking allowed, just sayin’. The Shouter challenges 90% of calls regardless if he even saw the play in real time or not. When the ref’s whistle blows this is his cue to shout.

Some of his favorite shout outs:

Are you freakin’ kidding me?

Did you forget your glasses ref?

What game are you watching?

A red card for that?

That one bad call killed the game.

Our team was robbed.

Wait til we play them again.

Positive note: 90% of Shouters self-reform. Coinciding perfectly with the start of  their own child beginning to ref games of their own.

The Fish Out Of Water -

This mom really does love her kid, she just doesn’t get soccer. The Fish Out of Water mom always has a smile on her face accompanied with a just stepped off a runway look about her. Perfectly doodled up highlighted hair, matching accessories (not from Claire’s) 3 inch heels making holes in the turf as she cat walks down the side lines in jeans that say…no thanks to the end of the season parent/player game. The Fish Out of Water mom has a stash of People magazine, the latest lip gloss and a fully charged iPhone to catch up on texts before halftime rolls around.

Positive Note: This mom will be able to handle any of your dance mom questions and totally hook you up with simple dinner party ideas or perfect basic black dress choices for you body style.

Wrong Side Sally-

Why this parent sits amongst the other team beats me. Perhaps arriving late from zipping to Starbucks for a quick latte before the game starts, too lazy to move their chair or someone who really doesn’t care about politically correct seating. The Wrong Side Sally situation creates problems. It shouldn’t be an issue where you watch your child play but it is. Arguments boil quickly in this zone. I have inadvertently been a Wrong Side Sally, it’s a bit of a pain and somewhat awkward to pick up all your junk 6 minutes into the game but is the best choice in the long run. Unless you are a silent parent, not moving can only lead to problems and in extreme cases, like seeing a unicorn, a parent red card. Ejection from the fields. Bam. You are done for the day son. Nobody likes a Wrong Side Sally, even Fish Out Of Water Mom can’t muster up a smile for them.  Just sit with the correct team. Thank you, that is all.

The Pacer-

The Pacer doesn’t sit, he has no interest in owning a $14.99 portable Wal-Mart soccer seat or a roller cooler. That’s not his style. He is on the go for 90 straight minutes, pacing the sidelines behind the organized row of seated parents, chasing after the play , following the ball. The Pacer likes action and is usually doubles as The Shouter, spreading his personality to all. Well isn’t that nice.

One With The Camera

Not all camera toting parents are created equal. You can spot a few different types of soccer parents with a camera slung around their neck, shoulder or the back of the chair. If they have a unipod and can be found at the corner flag or squatting to get a good shot with their lens weighing as much as a Prius……that parent is voluntold the be the team photographer. This One With The Camera doesn’t mind, they diligently capture pictures of each player in action and selflessly spend a lot of time making a really awesome end the season slide show DVD and tag peeps on Face Book weekly. Another One With The Camera may use the camera as a social shield. Basically saying…..”Just so you know, I’m not really looking for much conversation here every game…….and just so you know, when you turn to talk to me your big fat head is in my shot”. The last One With The Camera simply has a blog or loves to scrapbook. Watch out for these, they tend to be craziest weirdos of all ;)  

The Ex Player-

The good news about the Ex Player is that he does know the game of soccer. He couldn’t continue his path to the pros because of a blown out knee. The bad news is he never got the memo/email/voicemail/FB message that he is just a parent NOT the coach. Phrases he shouts while wearing his worn out Sambas and slinky Adidas shorts:

Remember what we practiced.

You gotta run through the ball Suzy.

Take the kick Johny.

Switch with Tommy for the throw in.

A big problem with the Ex Player is that their kid is usually the weakest link but this doesn’t stop him from coaching the other 13 kids on the team. Yelling out plays from the opposite sideline as the real coach causes confusion and few eye rolls from their precious offspring. The Ex Player is usually married The Fish Out Of Water mom.

Positive Note: Their kid eventually quits soccer to join the Debate Team but the Ex Player refuses to give up soccer in his life. He quickly gets certified to coach. Whew, he is 100 times more successful as a coach than soccer dad and his lovely wife is then off the hook from any further itchy grass, hot sun torture. Win win sitch we got here. 

Toe Tapper Joe-

Toe Tapper Joe isn’t even on your team,  you have never even laid sleepy, bloodshot soccer mom eyes on them before. They are impatient parents for the team playing right after you. They appear quietly out of nowhere, soccer ninjas waiting to grab your sideline real state before your players have even lined up to shake the players on the other team, not to mention a closing cheer. Toe Tappers stand behind you with a less than pleasant face waiting for you to get lost. C’mon people, chill out. Never in my entire experience has there been a lack of space to watch my child’s soccer game. I pity the Toe Tapper fool that challenges me to hurry up and collect my gear, trash and junk that has somehow bred like rabbits during the two quick halves. No doubt Toe Tappers are the same people at the mall in December waiting on my parking spot. How fast are you trying to get into shop? Waiting on a lady with multiple kids and a 15 passenger van? I will do the right thing, wave politely and make my best attempt to hurry but I’m thinking to myself, Christmas will be over before I motor out of your way.

Thank you to all the soccer parent friends, coaches, referees and Team Managers that made this post possible. I love you all! 

Maybe not all but again I ain't fessing up to anything :)